You've picked a rude birthday card. Good choice. Now you need something just as cheeky to write inside, because "Have a lovely day" under a sweary joke is a bit of a let down. Here are some ideas, from mildly naughty to absolutely filthy.

Rude birthday messages for your best friend

• "Happy birthday to my favourite bad influence. Here's to another year of terrible decisions."
• "You're not getting older, you're just getting closer to being able to blame everything on your age."
• "I'd tell you to act your age, but I've seen you after three proseccos."
• "Happy birthday, you absolute legend. Still the only person I'd help hide a body."

Rude birthday messages for her

• "Happy birthday to the woman who still says 'one drink' with a straight face."
• "Another year of looking this good with this little effort. Honestly, it's rude."
• "Hope your birthday is as fabulous as your bad decisions."

Rude birthday messages for him

• "Happy birthday. I'd buy you something nice, but you'd only break it."
• "Congratulations on another year of getting away with it."
• "You're not old, you're vintage. Like a classic car that makes weird noises in the morning."

Rude birthday messages for your sister or brother

• "Happy birthday to my sister. Mum's favourite (in public)."
• "Thanks for being the reason I look so well behaved."
• "Happy birthday to the sibling I'd least like to share a bathroom with."

Rude messages for a milestone birthday

• "40 and still not a clue what you're doing. Iconic."
• "50? Christ. Happy birthday, you old bat."
• "Officially old enough to know better, still young enough to do it anyway."

How rude is too rude?

• Think about who'll see it. If it's going on the work mantelpiece or Nan's opening it for them, dial it down.
• Rude on the front, nice on the inside. A filthy joke followed by "Love you loads" is the perfect combination.
• Inside jokes beat shock value. The rudest message is usually the one only the two of you get.

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